The Narcissist's Playbook Documentary: When Raising Awareness Risks Creating More Fear
If you have ever experienced an unhealthy or abusive relationship, or developed an interest in narcissism because of one, you may recognise the feeling of coming out of it with what feels like a PhD in the subject. You read, you watch, you research. You try to understand what happened, why it happened and, perhaps most importantly, how you did not see it sooner.
I have worked with people affected by unhealthy and abusive relationships for many years, and as the author of Game Over: Uncovering the Secrets of Unhealthy Relationship Behaviours and Manipulation I have a particular interest in the behaviours that can appear within them. So I was genuinely interested to watch Narcissist's Playbook documentary, the website describes it as being viewed through the lens of “four self-confessed, self-aware malignant narcissists”, alongside survivors and mental health professionals. Contributors include Dr Ramani Durvasula and Richard Grannon.
A spoiler warning before I go on: I am going to discuss parts of the documentary.
Do We Really Need More Monsters?
At the very beginning of the film, we are given the idea that many people do not want to believe monsters exist, immediately followed by the opinion that they do exist, and that they are human. It is dramatic, there is ominous music, and cinematically I can understand why it has been done. Therapeutically though, it feels quite uncomfortable.
That framing is not limited to the words used in the documentary either. The promotional artwork on social media includes a huge, dark, almost monstrous figure towering over a much smaller person below. Of course, promotional artwork is designed to grab attention, but what understanding of power are we being given here, and what might someone who is already frightened and feeling powerless take from it?
People living with coercion, manipulation and psychological abuse can feel a sense that the other person is always one step ahead of them, more powerful and they can feel utterly trapped. They may have been told, directly or indirectly, that they cannot cope alone, that nobody will believe them, that leaving will make everything worse, or that the other person has the power to destroy their life.
The last thing to reinforce in someone feeling vulnerable to all of that is the idea that these people are extraordinary human monsters with almost supernatural powers of manipulation. However skilled somebody may be at manipulating others, that does not make them all-powerful nor does it make them super intelligent.
I am absolutely not discounting that abusive behaviour can be and is calculated, cruel and extraordinarily damaging. It can devastate lives, and in some circumstances it can result in serious injury and death. None of that should ever be minimised. But in a world where the word narcissist is being thrown around so freely on social media, assigning imagery like this feels problematic to me.
What actually helps people in these relationships is them feeling understood and validated, feeling support and having accurate, helpful and empowering information. When someone is able to recognise patterns, having practical choices available, and know that somebody's behaviour can be powerful without that person being all-powerful, that can be a lot more helpful.
When the Narcissist's Playbook Documentary Becomes Part of Its Own Story
One of the more extraordinary parts of the film is that the documentary itself becomes part of the story it is telling. The filmmakers themselves find themselves entangled in manipulation by one of their contributors and I can see why that makes compelling television. There is an obvious irony in making a documentary about manipulation and then finding that the people making it getting caught within those dynamics. But this was also where I feel a great opportunity became lost.
Instead of leaving the film thinking I understand these behaviours better now, and I know what I can do when I see them, I was feeling sad that some people may think how frighteningly clever these people can be that even the people making a documentary about them can be fooled. For someone already experiencing the vulnerability of being in these relationships, the message may feel like, even people who understand these behaviours can apparently be fooled, what chance have I got?
The truth is anyone can be manipulated until they learn how to spot it and this including experts. Therapists, police officers, lawyers, doctors, journalists and researchers are still human beings and it does not make somebody immune to it. But this is important, being manipulated does not mean somebody is naïve or foolish, and being manipulated does not mean somebody is powerless. It does not mean the person doing the manipulating possesses some extraordinary ability that nobody can resist. Manipulation can work for many reasons and understanding the behaviours is much more helpful and empowering.
The useful question is not, How could they possibly have been fooled?
The useful question here is, What happened, how did it work, and what helped them recognise it?
That changes the story from one about the extraordinary power of the person manipulating to one about how human beings can understand what has happened and what we can do to protect ourselves. This is the message that someone experiencing abuse needs to hear.
Fear Gets Attention
I understand why documentaries use dramatic storytelling. People need to watch them, films need tension, and a documentary that simply said, here are some complicated relationship behaviours and several sensible things you can do about them, probably does not have quite the same trailer. But when we are talking about abuse, I think there could have been more consideration of what people are left feeling afterwards.
I don't believe the filmmakers want people to remain frightened or powerless. I have no basis for suggesting that, and their stated aims indicate the opposite. There were also some useful bits of information but those bits were overshadowed for me by parts of the storytelling and imagery.
There Is Hope, and There Needs to be Much More of It
I have sat with so many people whose lives have been profoundly affected by controlling, manipulative and abusive relationships, so I know how serious this is. But I also know something else, because I have watched it happen again and again. There can be hope, people can heal and go on to live with healthier relationships in their lives. They can begin recognising patterns and start trusting their own judgement again. They can learn that somebody being angry with them does not automatically mean they have done something wrong. They can put boundaries in place without feeling paralysed by dread and fear, they can connect with kind loving people, find support and leave relationships they once believed they could never leave and, slowly, rebuild.
I think it's great that there is more knowledge and awareness and there were some good messages in the Narcissist's Playbook but I am left feeling like there was a missed opportunity because it became too distracted on the powerfulness and perceived cleverness of people who abuse others. The irony that a film about people doing anything to have power over others being hijacked by those very people and creating more fear makes me want to put my head in my hands.
I'm not interested in giving people who abuse more airtime, I'm far more interested in focusing on helping people to spot what someone is actually doing as soon as possible and being able to recognise the impact it is having.
Sources
Narcissist's Playbook: Empathy Not Included, official documentary website and promotional materials, Breaking Chains LLC.
Friends of the Semel Institute at UCLA, Narcissist's Playbook screening information.
UK Intellectual Property Office, Exceptions to Copyright guidance.
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