Why Smart, Strong People Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

By Julia — Counsellor, Trainer and Author of the book Game Over: Uncovering the Secrets of Unhealthy Relationship Behaviours and Manipulation (Out 10th July, Amazon £14.99)

One of the questions I hear most often in the counselling room is some version of this: I'm an intelligent person, why did I let this happen? Why can't I leave? It is often asked through tears, after years of building a life with someone who turned out to be very different from the person they met in the beginning. If you have ever asked yourself the same thing, this is for you.

There is a long-standing assumption that unhealthy or abusive relationships happen to a certain kind of person, someone less educated, perhaps, or less self-aware, or less able to stand up for themselves. It is one of the most damaging myths I encounter in my work. The people I sit with are often the opposite of that picture. They are professionals, leaders, carers, parents, therapists, creatives. Many of them spend their working lives helping other people set boundaries, while quietly struggling to apply the same understanding to their own relationship.

This is the question at the heart of why smart, strong people stay in unhealthy relationships far longer than they ever imagined they would.

Unhealthy Relationships Do Not Begin As Unhealthy

This is the piece that often gets missed. Unhealthy relationships almost never start out as obviously unhealthy. They start out feeling exciting, attentive, sometimes extraordinary and with amazing chemistry. There is interest, attunement, the sense that this person really sees you. The pace can feel fast and the connection can feel rare.

In my clinical work, we spend a great deal of time looking at those early moments, because that is often where the foundation of confusion is laid. You were not naïve to enjoy it. You were responding to what looked, on every level, like a kind, charming, loving person who was genuinely interested in you.

"I kept thinking how lucky I was. He was so attentive, so romantic. Looking back, I can see how quickly things moved, but at the time, it felt like we had this incredible connection."

Early connection can be intoxicating. When someone moves fast and pours attention into you, your body tends to register them as safe long before your mind has had time to really get to know them. By the time their behaviour begins to change, you have already bonded with the version of them you met at the start. That bond does not vanish just because their behaviour changes.

The Slow Erosion You Did Not Notice

Behaviours that, on day one, would have made you walk away rarely appear on day one. They show up gradually, after the bond is well established. A bit of moodiness explained away as stress. A comment that stings but is followed quickly by affection. A subtle shift in who decides things, who is right, whose feelings get the most airtime. Each moment, taken alone, can feel small enough to let go.

Without realising it, you adapt. You become more careful, more accommodating, more attuned to their moods than your own. You learn what tone to use, what topics to avoid, when to back off and when to soothe. You may even take pride in how well you manage things and that you are trying to be a good partner.

Clients often describe this with a kind of horrified clarity:

• I do not recognise myself anymore.

• I have lost myself, and I do not know how it happened.

• I have become so quiet. I used to be the funny one.

Adapting like this is not something you chose consciously. Part of you noticed that things stayed calmer when you played along, and you began doing more of it.

Why The Hope Stays Alive

The other reason people stay, particularly capable and generous ones, is that the relationship is not always painful. There are good moments. Sometimes very good ones. A weekend that feels like the early days. A heartfelt apology, a holiday, a glimpse of the couple you want to be.

When difficult times are repeatedly followed by warmth or calm, the bond does not weaken. It strengthens. You begin to crave the good moments and quietly excuse the harder ones. You find yourself thinking, maybe that was a one-off, maybe they are changing, maybe if I just understood them better, be more patient, or less sensitive.

This is at the heart of what is often called trauma bonding, and it is something I cover in depth in Game Over. It is a well-evidenced human response to a particular kind of emotional environment, not a sign that you love badly or hold on too long.

Your Best Qualities Often Keep You There

This is the part that brings real relief to many of the clients I work with. The qualities that make you a brilliant friend, parent, partner or colleague are often the same qualities that keep you in an unhealthy relationship.

Some of the most common include:

• Empathy. You can imagine how the other person feels, often more easily than you can stay anchored in your own experience.

• Loyalty. You take commitment seriously. You do not walk away when things get hard.

• Resilience. You can tolerate a great deal. You may have been praised for this your whole life.

• Responsibility. When something is not working, you look inward first.

• Hope. You believe in people. You believe in love. You believe that if you keep showing up, things will grow.

These are some of the best things about you, but in the wrong dynamic, they can be used like levers. Someone who relies on control often notices your kindness, your tolerance and your willingness to look inward, and uses those qualities to get what they want and to have control.

So for some you stay because you are being faithful to who you are and your values.

Why Smart, Strong People Stay in Unhealthy Relationships — Even When They Want to Leave

There is another reason people, even very capable ones, stay much longer than they ever imagined they would. These relationships are usually deeply entangled in practical ways, and the emotional work has been done on your sense of self long before you reach a decision point.

By the time many people come to therapy, they are dealing with some combination of:

• Years of shared life, finances, a home, sometimes children

• Repeated cycles of hope and disappointment

• Exhaustion and a nervous system that is permanently on alert

• Friends and family who only see the version of their partner that is shown to the outside world

• A slow, growing belief that maybe they really are the problem

Evan Stark's work on coercive control describes this as a gradual erosion of liberty rather than a single dramatic event. It is the accumulated effect of being managed, monitored, criticised, dismissed and intermittently rewarded that wears people down. Outsiders often miss it entirely, which is part of why others may not understand why you have not left.

If you have ever been told some version of all relationships take work, or but they really love you, or you have watched people respond more warmly to your partner than to you, you will know how isolating that can feel.

Leaving an unhealthy relationship is rarely a single decision made on a single day. It is a process, it's very complex and it can take time.

If You Have Recognised Yourself In This

The question that tends to help more than Am I being manipulated? or Are they a narcissist? is this:

Is this relationship healthy for me, right now, in its current reality?

Not in the early days, not in the version when they finally do the work and not in the moments when things are good. Now.

If the answer is no, that is enough information to begin paying closer attention. You do not have to know what you are going to do and you do not need a plan. You do not have to be certain of anything yet. Recognising the pattern is the beginning, and it tends to take time.

When you are ready, talk to someone who understands these dynamics, a trauma-informed therapist who really understands unhealthy relationships, a domestic abuse charity, a trusted friend who can listen without trying to fix it. You are allowed to take this slowly whilst you feel grief and clarity at the same time.

If you would like to read more about the patterns that show up in relationships like this, my upcoming book, Game Over: Uncovering the Secrets of Unhealthy Relationship Behaviours and Manipulation, goes through them in detail, alongside the psychology of why they work and what helps people begin to recover.

by Julia Summers